A Philanthropist's Confession.

Today, I felt every emotion. Nothing traumatic (or even dramatic) happened; I went to an information session at DU for my grad program.

(Caption:  "Welcome to DU's Graduate School of Social Work!"  I am the drawn-in girl in the center amid an overly-enthusiastic crowd.  Also, I Paintbrushed some extra women in, since women significantly outnumber the men in the program.)

I probably felt everything, because I was nervous about meeting my peers-also my future classmates and colleagues. But, really, I was nervous about it all being very real. The whole going to graduate school and wearing-the-big-girl-pants thing. Even though I advocate with deep passion and speak out against injustice with conviction, there's a timid me deep inside as well. And timid me walked into Craig Hall this morning, so distractedly that I parked in the wrong spot (marked clearly on a sign and my permit) and scored a ticket from the university's security office.  For the first time, in a long time, I missed CCU Security. Harry was always so cool, and I talked my way out of tickets with him...

Sitting in that room, surrounded by unknown faces in an unfamiliar environment, I felt small. And unexperienced but aware. And hopefully-idealistic but passionate. And underprepared but over-prepared... in an entirely different way.  And young but inspired. And poor in dollars but rich in wealth that will far outlast my graduate degree, educational debt, and 765 square-foot apartment. And very, very, very Christian.

I left with a headache, probably from a spinning head, but it felt right. A little nerve-wracking, but right. It was almost as though a little piece of me that I haven't seen in awhile sat down beside me during my drive home, squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Hey, I've missed ya, but I knew we'd find each other again" with a big smile.

And when the rubber meets the road (trite.trite.trite.), I am under-experienced, hopefully-idealistic, poor, small, and a Christian. And all that is okay. Heck, I'm beyond okay; I'm fabulous. I'm lovely. I'm orchestrated. I'm called. And I'm worth it.

So, even if I feel a little out-of-place and way too adult for my own good (what does it even mean to be an adult, anyway?!), I know this is the best thing. And by being slightly uncomfortable with views, individuals, and dialogue that is a little different from what I am used to, I am going to be more comfortable with myself. And one step closer to doing what I know I'm meant to do.

So timid-Ash-somewhere-deep-down, Adios! Peace be with you, because deeper down than you, I know that I'm all about love and life and redemption. And not being timid.

And through this arduously-long confession, I encourage you to look at little, fearful you and laugh. Because you are incredibly more than that; I believe it with all the philanthropy in me.