Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Learning [is] Surrender

Clearly the blog lacks these days, but what can I say?  Thoughts never stop thinking, and my brain doesn't slow down.  Between hours at the office, sitting in class, pricking people's fingers for blood samples, too many cups of coffee, and attempting to maintain some form of a social life, I must consciously tell myself to breathe, to process, to take it all in.  Midterm is next week; two years a quarter gone.

But a recurring theme in this chaos called grad school is surrender.  It's the only way I make it through the day with even a slight ounce of sanity.  This-social work education-is one of the most difficult things of my life so far, but it is good, too.  I feel as though I am beneath a magnifying glass, my every move and word observed, soaked in.  Everything has a deeper implication, and each person is not who he or see seems.  I cannot look at anything the same anymore; it's like my eyes are wide open to the things that have permeated my world for 23 years, but now I can it for real.  *Damn it, all this sharing of the feelings!

And every day I fight something.  Doubts.  Insecurity.  Disconnect.  Fear.  Pride.  Sleepiness.  Panic.

My world is consumed in an idea, a concept.  Most of my interaction is with textbooks and my own thoughts.  I remember my family and friends, their lives happening around me.  Instead of being a part of it, I am around it.  It's so much time in my own head, and I am a little sick of it. It's making my heart breaks a little...

I feel selfish.  Totally consumed in my dream, making my passions a reality.  Deep inside I know I am pursuing this for others' good, but then I consider philanthropy, humanism.  Does true altruism exist anymore?  Is there a point?  And then my tissue box is my friend... and my journal.  It's like Uganda all over again.

But in the middle of my ranting, my doubting, my being myself, I remember good things are not an easy processes necessarily.  And people are crazy, so working side-by-side (even with good intention), creating relationships, and dreaming of change together is ridiculous.  Crazy and dangerous, but beautifully messy.  It shows me how necessary this work is, how my passion is mine for a reason, even if I do not understand it fully.

And I breathe, feeling my fists clenched tightly around a full heart, holding onto each and every internalization... it's time to let it go.  Whatever that looks like, however I can in that moment.

Discomfort, I realize you.
Pride, I relinquish you.
Pain, I sit with you.
Wonder, I relish in you.
Anger, I embrace you.
Confusion, I let you.
Joy, I adore you.
Grace, I rejoice over you.
Love, I long for you.

*Jesus, I need You.

So, for me, learning, textbook or practical, is surrender.  A lesson I learn and learn and learn and learn daily.

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